The Hidden Lives of Hogwarts Teachers
by NoLemonade
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Hogwarts teachers are REALLY like? Well, join me while I research THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! -Chapter 2 up-
1. Dumbledore

**The Hidden Lives of Hogwarts Teachers**

A strange medley of stories I thought up while at my cousins' First Communion… Don't ask… Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. J. K. Rowling does. I just researched their secret lives! LoL._

_The Hidden Life of  
Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

Hello. I am your host, The Bodiless Voice That Will Narrate For You. This is… THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! Ahem. Well, in this series we will delve into the hidden lives of Hogwarts teachers, hence the title.

We start off with Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. It is the summer holiday. Where could the headmaster of Hogwarts be? Ah, perhaps his office. Yes, let us go check there.

Dumbledore's office is easily the most fascinating in all of Hogwarts. The many knick-knacks crammed onto shelves, Fawkes the phoenix perched on his roost, the portraits of past headmasters hanging on the walls, and, of course, Dumbledore himself. At this moment, he is poring over a long roll of parchment on his desk. What could be written upon it? Let us take a closer look…but, alas! He has just rolled up the parchment and sealed it, placing the roll in his desk. Now Dumbledore is walking towards the fireplace. Ah, he has just picked up his pot of Floo powder. Shall we follow him? Yes? Good. Now, watch your step.

Oh, I hate traveling by Floo powder. It makes you so dizzy, doesn't it? Okay, make sure to catch your balance; we're coming up to the exit.

A dark and dingy room. Where could we be? Dumbledore is walking towards the oak door. Quickly! We can't lose him! Now we are on a deserted cobblestone street. Dumbledore is headed to the right and, of course, we are right behind him. Hmm… We have just emerged onto a busy street. Judging by the cars zooming around, I'd say we are in the Muggle world. Does Dumbledore—in his long, violet wizard robes and his face bedecked with the extensive, white beard—look out of place or what?

What is this? Dumbledore is turning into one of the Muggle places. It certainly is crowded in here… Oh, no! We have lost the headmaster in this crowd! Excuse me, excuse me. Sir, have you seen an elderly man with a long white beard? … No? Wait—Why are you running away? … Your mommy told you never to converse with bodiless voices? Oh, I see.

Where could Dumbledore be? I don't see him—What is going on? Everyone seems to be crowding towards the small stage in this place. A man is emerging from behind the curtains. He looks very…disturbing. Baggy jeans worn low, a pink t-shirt fifty sizes to large, dark shades hiding his eyes, a black cap sitting backwards over his white hair… Look at that bling-bling! He's wearing his large, diamond-studded "D" necklace over his long white beard. Merlin's beard! It's Dumbledore! What could he be doing here? And why is he in those clothes?

He has a microphone in his hand. He has just nodded to someone, and now music is playing. Strange beat. Sounds like the type of music Muggles call "rap."

Oh, my! Dumbledore… He's – He's starting to sing! Merlin, help us!

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm Dumbly D  
I'm headmaster of H-School for Wizardry  
I'm a wizard, fo sho, the best of 'em all  
You need a spell, just give me a call  
'Cause I'm Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D  
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D  
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D."

Merlin's beard! Dumbledore is dancing as well! He's crossing his arms, throwing his hands in the air, spinning around on the floor doing what I believe Muggles call "break dancing."

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm Dumbly D  
The 'Great' Lord Voldemort's 'fraid of me  
He terrorizes you Muggles, puts you to shame  
Acting like it's all just a g-g-game!  
But I'm Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D  
I'll protect all you Muggles from dangerous V  
You're not s'possed to know this, you mangy fleas,  
So after this song I'll modify your memories  
But for right now I'm Dumbly D  
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D  
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D  
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D  
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D!"

The song has ended…finally! Dumbledore is now taking a bow, his long beard brushing against the floor. The crowd is cheering, but confused looks are painted on everyone's faces. They are probably thinking, _Who _is_ this guy? Who's Voldemort? What are Muggles?_ Insane Dumbledore. What was he thinking, revealing the wizarding world's secrets to this group of Muggles?

Dumbledore is now taking his wand out of his pocket.

"My God, he's got a stick!" a man from the audience screams. "Get down!" As one, the crowd falls to the ground. A Muggle in a dark blue uniform who is carrying a black L-shaped object is stepping over people to get towards Dumbledore.

"It's okay, sir, Mr. Dumbly D," the man is saying. "Just put down the stick and no one will get hurt." Dumbledore is pointing his wand at the man. "I mean it! Sticks are classified as Evil Dangerous Weapons That Are A Danger For Living Beings. I don't know how you obtained that stick, but possessing one is enough to put you in jail for life." Dumbledore is still pointing his wand at the man.

"_Obliviate_," Dumbledore whispers. Instantly every mind in the room (excluding Dumbledore, of course) is erased. The people are standing up now with dazed expressions on their faces.

"Thank you, my homies!" Dumbledore exclaims to the confused crowd. "I'll be back tomorrow dawg! Fo shizzle!" Dumbledore is now stepping back behind the curtain, presumably to change back into his wizarding robes. I think we should go now…

Well, that was enlightening, wasn't it? We now know in his spare time, Dumbledore is what Muggles call a "rapper," a real "gangsta." Really…interesting. I would have never guessed the respectable Albus Dumbledore is really a rapper called Dumbly D!

Thank you for joining me on my mission to discover THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! Join me next time, when we follow Professor Minerva McGonagall and discover what her hidden life is all about. Until we meet again!

_A/N: Okay, that was the first chapter. Please don't criticize Dumbledore's song too much. I stink at poetry/rap! Coming up next: The Hidden Life of Professor Minerva McGonagall!_


	2. McGonagall

**The Hidden Lives of Hogwarts Teachers**

Hey, people! I'd just like to say thanks for all the reviews and I'm sorry I didn't update sooner! It's been, like, a _month_. --grumbles about the massive amounts of homework assigned because of upcoming finals-- Well, _finally_, here's the next chapter. What is Professor McGonagall's hidden life? Ooo, you'll just have to read and see!

_Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Harry Potter. Nor do I own the _James Bond_ theme music. Nor do I own—Eh, that's it… Hehe… "Nor" is a funny word. Nor. Nor. Nor…Ahem…_

_The Hidden Life of  
Professor Minerva McGonagall_

Welcome back to another grand episode of THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! Well, today we once again open up our scene at Hogwarts Castle, which is now bathed in the beautiful pinkish light of the sunset. Let us go over to that window there, for I think that is Professor Minerva McGonagall's room. Tonight is a perfect time to find about _her_ secret life.

Ah, we enter the room, which is very... empty. McGonagall is not here at the moment. She is probably in her office, getting ready for the start of the term. The only piece of furniture in this room is a large, mahogany bed. Not very interesting… But what's this? There are strange posters covering the dark walls. They look like diagrams of some sort. Perhaps of Transfiguration spells? Let us get a closer look...

These are not diagrams of Transfiguration spells at all! They are sheets of paper with all sorts of blocks drawn upon them, and words are scratched in the center of each box. There is also a star or two drawn on each paper. What could it be for? Hmm... Perhaps the large words written over the top of each paper proclaiming "LAYOUT OF THE BUILDING I AM BREAKING INTO AND WHERE THE MILLION-DOLLAR RARE AND ANCIENT ARTIFACT I WILL STEAL AND SELL FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IS LOCATED" are a clue... Nah.

Footsteps! I think McGonagall is returning! Yes, it is she! She has just entered the bedchamber and… eurgh… That is just sickening. Instead of the long, flowing robes she usually dons, McGonagall has put on a black leather suit, which is hugging her body very… tightly. Oh, I am shuddering. Does she not know Law 9789.5, Sub-line B of the International Confederation of What Not To Wear _clearly_ states once a person hits a certain age he or she is _forbidden_ wear tight-fitting, black leather suits, lest he or she should live in a life of embarrassment, become a ridiculed outcast of society, and-slash-or ruin the eyesight of innocent victims who are forced to see him or her in said tight-fitting, black leather suit? Sigh…

Let us see… What is she doing now? She appears to be examining one of the strange posters decorating the wall, like she is memorizing it. Now she is stepping away from the wall and quickly glancing around the place, as if making sure no one is around. Luckily we cannot be seen.

She now looks like she is concentrating. What could she…? Oh! She has just transformed into her Animagus form: a black cat with white markings around the eyes (_A/N: I don't think it says what color she is in the books, so I just wrote what I thought she looks like.)_. In cat-form, she is sprinting to her open window. Oh, Merlin! McGonagall has just jumped out the window! Suicide? But why? What is so terrible about her life that she has decided to end it so quickly? And painfully? Why not just perform the Killing Curse on herself? And why would she kill herself while in cat-form? Why is "blue" called "blue"? Where did the names for everything come from? What's for dinner? Why am I asking all these questions?

Ahem. Let us follow dear Professor McGonagall through the window. I have always wanted to see what would happen when someone jumped out of a window hundreds of feet above the ground. I wonder if the person's body gets squished flat from the force of the fall…

Oh, no! McGonagall is moments from hitting the ground… Oh, must I witness this horrific end of a Hogwarts teacher? Oh, the horror, the humanity! Oh—wait! She has landed on the ground, and appears to be fine! She is now sprinting towards the Hogwarts gates… But how—? Oh, of course! Cats always land on their feet! Silly, silly me. Quickly, let us go and follow her!

Out through the gates and down the driveway she is running. Where could she be heading?

Twenty minutes have now passed, and we are still following McGonagall in her cat-form down different pathways and streets. Now it is pitch black out, but the full moon is providing sufficient light for us to see the black cat by. Judging by the many lights up ahead, I am venturing to say we are approaching a large Muggle town, what they call a "city." What could Professor McGonagall want to do here?

Hmm… She is now streaking towards that large building with many of those Muggle "please-men" stationed around it. Obviously something very important is within those stone walls. McGonagall has just darted between two of the men, and they appear not to care. Let us swiftly follow.

McGonagall—still in cat-form—is slowly creeping along the side of the building, obviously searching for something. Wait! She has just stopped and is now scratching at something. Let us get a closer look…

It seems to be a grate of some sort, covering an opening in the wall. It also appears to be loose… Oh! It has broken off! Now McGonagall is stealthily climbing into the hole. Of course we must follow her!

Oh, my. It is a tight squeeze in here. I believe this is an "air vent," something Muggles use to keep their buildings cool in the summer and warm in the winter. But why would McGonagall want to come here?

The vent is now starting to slant up. Boy, this is a steep climb, and this smooth metal provides no friction…

Whew. With much slipping and sliding, we have finally reached level footing…. Or would it be called level kneeing, since we are crawling? Oh, I don't know! Let us just continue our stalking of McGonagall.

We have now approached a grate on the bottom of this vent. Cat-Form McGonagall is again scratching at this apparently loose contraption. Oh, no! It has come loose and has fallen to the floor below with a loud _crash_! I hope no one heard that!

"What was that?" Oh, no! That was someone from below!

"Oh, it was just the air vent randomly falling from the ceiling," another voice is saying. "It does that all the time."

"Oh, okay," says the first voice. They are now silent.

McGonagall is now beginning to pull a piece of rope from her fur. It must be at least ten feet long! How did she hide that there? Hmm…

Using her small, cat-like cat paws, McGonagall is now tying one end of the rope around a sturdy bar conveniently placed inside this vent. And now she is tying the other end around her own cat-like cat waist. What could—?

Oh! She is carefully lowering herself into the room below! We must follow!

Hmm… Random music has suddenly started to play… Oh, well…

This room is strange… It is not very large, and one whole wall is made up of little screens showing different pictures of different rooms. The rooms have strange red lights criss-crossing across through the air. Two men—presumably more "please-men," judging by the uniforms—are sitting in front of the screens, munching on a large box of doughnuts.

"Hey!" one of the men is exclaiming. "Do you hear that random _James Bond_ music playing from no apparent source?"

"Yeah!" the other replies. "It probably means some sneaky person is stealthily sneaking into the building!"

"Nothing on the screens…" the first is stating, examining the screen-wall. "Do you—"

Gasperdoodles! McGonagall has chewed through her rope and launched herself at the man, scratching and hissing like a…cat!

"OH, MY GOD!" the man is shouting. "I'M GONNA DIE! KILLER CAT! KILLER CAT!"

"Smith!" the other guard is yelling, swiftly getting off of his chair and heading towards McGonagall and her victim. "I'll save you, man!"

"DION! HEEEEEELP!" Smith is yelling. He has just fallen to the floor, weakly attempting to shove McGonagall off him. "Help…"

Dion is reaching towards McGonagall. He has just wrapped a thick hand around her middle and is attempting to pull her off of his partner. She is putting up a struggle, but he succeeds, throwing her across the room. She is now lying unconscious on the floor. Oh, dear Professor McGonagall…

Dion has fallen to the floor next to Smith. "Smith! Smith! Can you hear me?"

"Dion…"

"Smith, don't leave! You got a wife and kids! They _need_ you, Smith! Hang in there!"

"I don't think… I'm going to make it… Tell my family… I fought bravely…"

"Smith!"

Do you hear movement behind us?

"Dion!" Smith is exclaiming. "Behind you!"

Double gasperdoodles! McGonagall is okay! Still in her cat-form, she is sneaking up behind Dion. Dion has whipped around and has noticed McGonagall, who is moving slowly due to the blow she took.

"Dion! Get out! Save yourself!" Smith is yelling.

"No, man! I'm not leavin' without you, Smith!"

"I can't move in my condition!"

"Yes, you can, man! I'll carry you out!"

"But, Dion! Your pinky!" Smith is weakly pointing to Dion's right pinky, which is splinted up. "It's still healing from the fall you took in the Christmas ballet!"

Dion is now looking at his pinky. "It's not that bad. I'll fight through the pain, man! Your family needs you, and I'm not gonna be the one to tell them I got out with my amazing looks while you're deformed for life!"

Smith looks like he's considering. "Okay."

"Alright!" Dion is leaning down and is putting his arms under Smith, wincing noticeably from the pain in his pinky. He struggles to stand, his whole body shaking from the pain. "It hurts man, bloody painful, man… But I can do this… I—"

But it is too late. McGonagall has launched herself at both men, hissing and yowling, claws forward. It only takes a few minutes for Dion and Smith to fall back to the ground unconscious. Their faces are ruined and will be scarred for life. Poor, poor men…

But this show is not about the horrible fates of Dion and Smith. It is about the hidden life of Professor Minerva McGonagall, who, at the moment, is pressing a button on the panel-of-buttons below the screens. The red criss-crossing lights have gone out. Hmm…

Oh! She is now slinking out the door and down the hallway. We must follow! She seems to be moving through the many corridors here with familiarity. Perhaps one poster on her wall is a blueprint of this building, at that is why she knows where she is going. Hmm… Nah.

McGonagall is now entering a large, dark room. One, lone spotlight is shining down on an object in a glass case resting on a raised pedestal in the middle of the room. Apparently this object is what McGonagall has come here for; her cat-like cat eyes now hold a delighted glint in them.

The cat (McGonagall, of course) is now approaching the pedestal. We can now see the object placed upon it, as well as the plaque describing what the object is. Before looking at the object, though, why don't we read the plaque, so we know _exactly_ what we're looking at.

_The Legendary Object_

_This legendary object is an object that is legendary. It is known all around the world as the "Legendary Object That Can Be Sold For Millions Of Dollars If Dastardly Thieves Complete Dastardly Missions To Steal And Sell This Object"—the "Lot CBSF Modid TCDMT Sasto" for short. As the name of the Lot CBSF Modid TCDMT Sasto implies, this object is worth millions of dollars if thieves manage to break into this museum, steal it, and then sell it. This object is worth much money because it was once used by the legendary man, Wishaligoogaly Mossotopianei (Wish-A-lee-GOO-ga-lee Moss-OH-toe-pi-AH-nee). Wish-for-Moss, as he was known as by his friends, was a very legendary man. He did many things in his life to make him legendary, like saving people and stuff. Many would pay millions of dollars just to touch this legendary object._

Ooo! How exciting that sounds! Let us now see what exactly the Lot CBSF Modid TCDMT Sasto is! It is… a piece of string? A piece of string is the Legendary Object That Can Be Sold For Millions Of Dollars If Dastardly Thieves Complete Dastardly Missions To Steal And Sell This Object? What a rip!

I guess the fact that the object is simply a piece of string does not affect McGonagall at all, for now she has pulled a particularly sharp knife out of her fur. (What else is in there?) The "James Bond" music, as Smith called it, has started up again. Holding the knife between her two front paws, she is climbing up the stepladder conveniently placed next to the pedestal with her two back paws. She is now right next to the glass and is holding the sharp point of the knife against it. Oh, the horrible sound it is making as she drags the knife in a circle to cut out a portion of the glass!

With a hole in the glass, McGonagall has deftly thrown her knife upon the ground. She is reaching her tiny paws into the case and now is pulling out the piece of string. She looks very pleased.

_Bang!_ Oh, my! Many "please-men" have just blown up one of the walls and are now pouring into the room, their black L-shaped things pointing at McGonagall. Why couldn't they have just come through the door?

"Freeze, Kitty!" one of the men is shouting. "We have just unnecessarily blown up one of the walls to this room as an attempt to make our mediocre lives exciting, as we have been reduced from catching highly dangerous mass murderers to catching stray cats! I am now asking you to gently put down the Lot CBSF Modid TCDMT Sasto, and we will not have to resort to spraying you with a fine sprinkle of water, as we know how much cats fear and despise water!"

McGonagall is just gazing at the men with unblinking eyes. She is now rolling those same eyes. What is she thinking about?

_Pop!_ Oh! It appears McGonagall has just Disapparated! The "please-men" are looking around in confusion, some muttering about how seeing too many crimes has messed up their minds or something. But who cares about these men? We should try to find McGonagall… If we concentrate hard, we should be able to Disapparate and appear where Professor McGonagall is. Concentrate… Concentrate… Aw! A little lady bug! I shall name her… NO! We must concentrate! Concentrate… Concentrate…

_Pop!_

Yes!

We are now in a café of some sort, small round tables all over the place. McGonagall, now in her human form (and still in that sickening tight leather suit, causing many people in this café to cry out in pain as they lose their vision), is sitting at a table with a strange object in front of her. It is about the size of a large notebook and is colored black.

Oh! She has just lifted the top portion of it, revealing some sort of keys with letters and numbers on them. The top part is a screen much like the screens we saw in the building, except instead of showing rooms this one has a page with large words across the top proclaiming "eBay: The World's Online Marketplace." What could that mean?

McGonagall is now using the lettered keys to type words on the screen. Looking at the words, they seem to be a description of the string. She has just clicked on a button on the screen and now a picture of the string—along with its description—is shown. The price next to it now seems to be rising… Oh! It seems people are bidding on this object… and that number is pretty high!

McGonagall is now smirking. She is closing the object and is now getting up and heading towards the doors, leaving the flat object behind; apparently it belongs at the café.

Hmm… I think we have seen enough here. We'll just let McGonagall return to Hogwarts on her own while we reminisce in what we just saw…

Apparently Professor McGonagall is a thief, who steals valuable items and then sells them for loads and loads of money on this "eBay" marketplace thing. Who would've thought?

Well, that concludes this episode of THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! I would appreciate it if you join me next time to uncover the hidden life Professor Filius Flitwick leads. Until I meet with you again!

_A/N: Well, that was long! LoL. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Coming up next (and hopefully quicker than this chapter): The Hidden Life of Professor Filius Flitwick._


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